Struggling Today and praying

Post from e-mail on April 19.

I'll warn you, this is not for the faint-hearted.

It is so often that I pray dangerous prayers ... lately I've been really asking the Lord to reveal the source of my stress so that I can change it. Well, guess what? Through the past few days away at a conference and assorted other messages straight from the heavenlies, I think he wants to change me. Am I surprised? I don't think so, but am struggling through just what that means and how to recognize when I'm holding on too tightly for security or whatever it is that keeps me hanging on so foolishly. Deep down I desire incredible adventure ... but then I want to know it all first! Duh!

Today, I was reading through the salt and light verse in Matthew, then Psalm 9 ... and a side note in my Bible said, "So often the source of our stress is trying to fulfill our own destiny." In others words, get my own way. Zing. Crap. So many questions surfaced, and so many convictions. I'm committed to peace in relationships, work, church, etc so why am I getting in the way? Is it that Paul thing ... what I want to do ... I do not do ... and the things I do ... I do not want to do. Ugh. To be human, heh.

I also felt the Lord speak to me about having to 'go through this first' as a leader ... maybe connected to May 20 and maybe for life. Wonder where you are in this, and if you too have these types of struggles. I don't think this is a new thought he is giving me, I think this is what has been going on for months - probably years - as I am supposed to and been practicing to LEARN to walk in the Spirit. Take for instance, practice was tough last night - there was and still is more unknown out there than I'd like for a Thursday - well, for me anyway. I asked Dave later on if on a scale of 1-10 what was his frustration level, he said "None. I think things went good!" Sunday should be - faithwalking here - will be fine. AS of today, I don't have any sermon notes or even a 'good feel' for flow and connection ... but ... maybe that is what God is asking me to 'give up' for Him to work in me first and be transparent enough so that I don't hinder others. Somebody, just pray for me. I feel and see how God wants me to lead ... but need supernatural help to keep focused on walking into the unknown a little more confidently :-). Psalm 9:9 is a good start. Sometimes when I verbalize or write this down, I sound like I don't believe God can do it, and how stupid (sinful) is that? So, thanks for prayers.

Meanwhile, I'm repenting of the sins I've discovered and have been uncovered in just these few paragraphs, unbelief, idolatry, coveting and I'm sure a few others lurking in there that just haven't connected to my feeble mind. Thank God that He is faithful and just to forgive. Jesus prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. And I ask for forgiveness, in the places I have leaked this junk on you all in our personal and working relationships as well