Struggling Today and praying

Post from e-mail on April 19.

I'll warn you, this is not for the faint-hearted.

It is so often that I pray dangerous prayers ... lately I've been really asking the Lord to reveal the source of my stress so that I can change it. Well, guess what? Through the past few days away at a conference and assorted other messages straight from the heavenlies, I think he wants to change me. Am I surprised? I don't think so, but am struggling through just what that means and how to recognize when I'm holding on too tightly for security or whatever it is that keeps me hanging on so foolishly. Deep down I desire incredible adventure ... but then I want to know it all first! Duh!

Today, I was reading through the salt and light verse in Matthew, then Psalm 9 ... and a side note in my Bible said, "So often the source of our stress is trying to fulfill our own destiny." In others words, get my own way. Zing. Crap. So many questions surfaced, and so many convictions. I'm committed to peace in relationships, work, church, etc so why am I getting in the way? Is it that Paul thing ... what I want to do ... I do not do ... and the things I do ... I do not want to do. Ugh. To be human, heh.

I also felt the Lord speak to me about having to 'go through this first' as a leader ... maybe connected to May 20 and maybe for life. Wonder where you are in this, and if you too have these types of struggles. I don't think this is a new thought he is giving me, I think this is what has been going on for months - probably years - as I am supposed to and been practicing to LEARN to walk in the Spirit. Take for instance, practice was tough last night - there was and still is more unknown out there than I'd like for a Thursday - well, for me anyway. I asked Dave later on if on a scale of 1-10 what was his frustration level, he said "None. I think things went good!" Sunday should be - faithwalking here - will be fine. AS of today, I don't have any sermon notes or even a 'good feel' for flow and connection ... but ... maybe that is what God is asking me to 'give up' for Him to work in me first and be transparent enough so that I don't hinder others. Somebody, just pray for me. I feel and see how God wants me to lead ... but need supernatural help to keep focused on walking into the unknown a little more confidently :-). Psalm 9:9 is a good start. Sometimes when I verbalize or write this down, I sound like I don't believe God can do it, and how stupid (sinful) is that? So, thanks for prayers.

Meanwhile, I'm repenting of the sins I've discovered and have been uncovered in just these few paragraphs, unbelief, idolatry, coveting and I'm sure a few others lurking in there that just haven't connected to my feeble mind. Thank God that He is faithful and just to forgive. Jesus prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. And I ask for forgiveness, in the places I have leaked this junk on you all in our personal and working relationships as well

Sunday was a different day at church. All the 'work' had been done and all was ready. Those of us on the team prayed we had been led by the Lord to create an environment and a flow to allow the Spirit of God to lead us in worship that day. Twelve hours of prayer by many individuals had filled the room prior to the service. You could sense the presence of the Lord and there was a peculiar somewhat reminscent peace in my heart. As the service moved on, I struggled with a number of my tendencies, one of which is to analyze. I shook that as quickly as I could by asking God to just take it away and fill the space it left in my heart. We all wore dirty rags around our wrists to remind us of our sins. Various sins filled the screen, one by one, giving us time to ponder, to think - is that one of mine? I knew what my rag would wear, one word, 'anxiety' ... now some would say that might not be a sin. But anything that separates us from God's work in our life is a sin. And if I am freaking out over something instead of turning it into my prayer list, thtat is separating me. A declaration I made in my life about one year earlier, was to work towards true peace in all situations and relationships in my life, and this year has been harder than most because to get to true peace, you have to go through the deep waters. Back to the service, something interesting happened when it was time to take my rag off and leave it at the cross, it was completely wound in and around my bracelet. I kind of chuckled for a moment, then, it struck me, it was if God was asking me, do you really want to get rid of it, doesn't it cause you comfort. Doesn't it make you stay stuck and you can just ignore, zone out, not deal with the real issues that cause you dis-peace. You get tangled up in it all the time don't you? Yes. yes I do. It's my bent, its where I run to first, its what I need to let go of and go at it again and again until it doesn't master me any longer. Yes, Lord. Free me from this monster. I kind of patted it as I draped it on the cross, not sure what that was all about. Later on on my drive home, my beaded bracelet shattered into tiny fragments all over my car. I didn't do anything to help that happen. I was stunned for a moment, but I wasn't sad, no not at all. I saw it as a sign, that the Lord had heard my prayer and I was free. As big as anxiety is in my life, He could shatter it with a breath. That's how mighty my Lord is. I know from now on, He is going to allow things to happen that will test me, give me the opportunities to 'get it right' and cast every care, every care on Him for He cares for me (and you!). Love to hear your ponderings ........